Halls Qube Greenhouse, aka, the Divorcer.

It all started so well.

New house, new location, dream life.

To pop the cherry on the utopian dream my partner, V, wanted to get a greenhouse (I had managed to decline the cat and dog).

The Halls Qube - revolutionary design, works in an almost hurricane, pretty. A bit on the pricier side, but class and quality costs.

All arrived. All fine. Unpacked, un-phased.

Instructions. Here the problems began. It’s like trying to follow James Joyce Ulysses.. Written in Dutch (I do not speak Dutch). I got V to look. We went back and forth - debating how to interpret point one on page 1 and whether the screw labelled 4376oE was the same as 4376o. Things got tense. She went to bed. I worked through the evening into the night.

It was at this stage we started spending more time sleeping in separate rooms.

I built, rebuilt, amended and corrected. I followed instructions that didn’t quite make sense and a structure that didn’t quite fit together started to emerge.

That was the base section almost done.

I thought I best get help. Luckily we have connections to 2 engineers (although 1 is chemical - but she assures me that they are better). Again not much luck. They helped get it up in the end.

However because the supporting poles all look the same and some only differ by ~2cm it’s easy to get things wrong. A 2 cm gap is problematic when trying to fit a pre-measured bit of glass.

Un-assembly and re-assembly. By this time my children had stopped calling me dad. I was outside for days trying to build this thing. I had sunburn on areas universally covered by underclothing.

I started seeking a higher power. I called the Juliana helpline. By this time V and I had distanced. She wanted no further part in the greenhouse and was again searching for nearby litters of kittens for sale.

On calling the helpline I met a genuinely helpful person, let’s call her R. She tried to provide the support and listening ear to get the wretched glass tomb of sorrow built. We spoke on the phone, we emailed. V picked up on this other woman in my life whom I was spending more time with.

It didn’t end well. I’m now divorced. I’ve lost the new house, the dream life. Luckily I still have a roof over my head, albeit a bit shaky with glass that could come out any minute… Also I worry about the wonky door letting in a breeze over winter.

Divorced - it gives you time to think. There was an option to pay Juliana an extra ~£550 to have someone build the greenhouse for you. Gentleman called Gregory, half French/Italian. Former Calvin Klein model who now works as a tennis coach and sideline greenhouse builder. Would have saved me a lot of physical work and headache - although I think the end result would have been the same.

Don’t try to achieve your dreams - you may be disappointed.